In a stunning turn of events that can only be described as “vaguely optimistic,” Apple has released its second-quarter earnings report, proving once again that the magic of iPhone sales can make almost anything sparkle, including soaring profits and an impending tariff nightmare. CEO Tim Cook, in a move that surprised absolutely no one, addressed the media while clutching a lucky crystal ball that allegedly has been in the Apple family for generations. For the second quarter, Apple reported earnings that exceeded all expectations, mostly because those expectations were set lower than a limbo stick at a toddler’s birthday party. Thanks to a surge in iPhone sales—also known as the “Everyone-Got-the-Last-Model-So-We-Need-to-Upgrade-or-Die” phenomenon—Apple managed to beat both top and bottom line estimates. Who knew that creating a phone that practically functions as a personal assistant, health advisor, and life coach could result in increased sales? In a bizarre twist of fate, Apple is now staring down a $900 million headwind from the tariffs imposed on goods by a particularly grumpy giant—otherwise known as the Trump administration. When asked about the looming financial goblins that might haunt the company in the future due to these tariffs, Cook donned a serious Expression of Wisdom and claimed, “I simply do not predict the future.” This revelation—bold and earth-shattering as it is—has left analysts and fortune tellers alike shaking their heads in shock. With tech companies scrambling to navigate the murky waters of international tariffs, Apple remains unfazed. Tariffs on goods from China are soaring like a poorly thrown frisbee, and Cook assures everyone that Apple has a contingency plan roster that rivals a superhero’s sidekick list. They might even consider outsourcing some of the manufacturing to another planet if it comes down to it—after all, SpaceX is just a phone call away! As reports of tailgates in the Apple campus parking lot, where employees have begun orchestrating space-themed iPhone launch parties, spread like wildfire, it seems Cook's hints about the company's impending financial wizardry, paired with an aristocratic air of nonchalance, have only added to the fervor. “If we can sell people a thousand-dollar phone that can only function as well as the last one if accompanied by a series of obnoxious updates, then who’s to say we can't outrun a few tariffs?” Cook mused, contemplating a world where people willingly pay for the latest version just to feel slightly cooler. In the end, the message was clear: while the iPhone may hold the key to Apple’s continued prosperity, the concern over tariffs is simply a minor plot twist in the epic saga of corporate life. So grab your crystal balls, folks—we're all going to need them. If Tim Cook can’t predict the future, we might as well come prepared for whatever delightful chaos awaits!