In an afternoon that saw English football fans terrorised by an absolute carnival of boredom, Chelsea and Bournemouth battled out an astonishing 0-0 display of tactical indifference and general disregard for entertainment. At the Vitality Stadium, the crowd sat in fascinated apathy as both teams took turns inadvertently repelling the ball from entering either goal. Self-proclaimed "scoring professionals", Raheem Sterling and Nicolas Jackson, somehow managed to aim their kicks directly at the woodwork, rather than the significantly larger, apparently more elusive rectangular space between them. Chelsea's Levi Colwill, seized by a momentary bout of adrenaline, did succeed in poking a stray ball into the net, albeit while clearly standing in an offside position, where he was making a cup of tea, reading the newspaper and waving to his mum in the crowd. But the real star of the martyrdom to monotony was undoubtedly Chelsea’s stand-in shot-stopper, Gallagher, who endured an afternoon as riveting as a game of chess on valium. His stat line included one save, two yawns, a burst balloon recovery, and a particularly tricky encounter with an invading pigeon, which he managed more adeptly than any offensive efforts. Mauricio Pochettino, Chelsea's stoic Argentinian boss, defended his team's performance, "We have mastered the art of playing football while making it look like we aren't playing any football at all," he explained, radiating a sense of pure zen. He further added, "the secret behind today's outcome was simple, we just didn’t let the silly round thing reach the back of our net... talk about strategy." As the fans filed out of Vitality Stadium in a state of bemused disappointment, or in some cases, fast asleep, the general consensus was clear - turns out, watching paint dry might be a more lucrative option next Sunday. Meanwhile, the Blues play musical chairs with the captain’s armband, in a parallel, equally scintillating power saga. The Premier League is yet to make an official statement about the game, though sources report heated internal debates about whether it's feasible to allow a game to go into negative goals out of sheer boredom in future.