In a dazzling display of foresight, the federal government has decided to cut back on the funding for heat pump incentives, ushering in a new era of mediocrity we’ve all been waiting for. After fervently supporting the so-called “heat pump revolution,” officials have opted to change course faster than you can say “global warming.” It seems that the chilly embrace of climate change isn’t quite the emergency they thought it was, and they’d prefer to cuddle up with their good old fossil fuels for just a little while longer. The ambitious plan to install heat pumps—a technology so advanced it can actually cool your home in the summer and heat it in winter—has apparently proved too lofty for policymakers. "Why bother innovating? Just turn up the thermostat and enjoy those cozy summer nights at 80 degrees," stated a top congressperson who requested anonymity. "Nothing like a good old-fashioned energy bill hike to keep the populace grounded." As reports unfold revealing that the USDA’s funding for heat pumps has been slashed like a budget for public education, environmentalists are in disbelief. “Imagine cutting funds for something that literally takes the hell out of climate change,” said one dazed activist, wearing a T-shirt reading “Global Warming is So Last Century.” “But then again, who needs clean air and sustainable energy when you can have cheap gas and endless excuses?” In suburban neighborhoods across America, homeowners who were once excited by the possibility of slashing their energy bills with efficient heat pumps are experiencing the classic American rollercoaster of emotions. “I was all set to ditch my furnace for this high-tech gizmo,” lamented a disgruntled homeowner. “Now, I guess I’ll just crank up the heat and throw in a few extra wool blankets. How’s that for a solution?” Meanwhile, corporations that profit from traditional heating methods are rolling out the welcome mat for this newfound government policy shift. “It’s a breath of fresh air—smoky, polluted air, but fresh nonetheless,” chuckled a lobbyist over a celebratory drink made from fossil fuels. “Heat pumps are great and all, but nothing beats the good old days of heating homes with IRREPARABLE damage to the environment and a hefty carbon footprint.” Business analysts predict a race to the bottom now that the once-promising heat pump sector stands to collapse under the weight of its own potential. “In an era where failure is the new success, why strive for progress?” one economist boldly proclaimed. “At this point, all economic growth should be measured in emissions, not in innovation.” As we plummet into an uncertain future—fueled by misguided priorities—one thing is for certain: the heat pump revolution may drastically fizzle out, but at least we’ll have the nostalgia of earlier attempts to keep it cool. In a few years, we might even look back fondly on this era of thoughtfulness and action, reminiscing about what could have been while huddling together, struggling to stay warm in our climate-fried homes. So enjoy that warm blanket, America; it might just be the only thing we’ll have to cling to in the coming heat waves.