In an unprecedented display of preparedness, FEMA has announced its latest initiative to combat any future hurricanes: a comprehensive 3-step program that includes “Don’t Panic”, “Cross Your Fingers”, and “Hope for the Best.” Given the recent catastrophic storms and the agency’s track record, observers are thrilled to learn that the new strategy leans heavily on optimistic thinking and prayer. Congress, in a rare moment of unity, has waved a resounding red flag, not for distress, but as a fashionable statement piece signaling their commitment to oversight. “We figured if we can’t fix the problem, might as well wave something colorful,” said one congressperson, aptly adorned with a matching red tie. In an effort to bolster confidence, Congress is contemplating a new bill that will require FEMA to publicly post a “Hurricane Preparedness Score,” which will no doubt impress everyone with its “A for Effort” rating. Critics have pointed out that FEMA’s focus on mental fortitude could be a major milestone in disaster management, leading many to ask whether the agency's motto should be changed from “Helping people before, during, and after disasters” to “Keeping Calm While the Wind Blows.” What’s more, some cynics worry that this new approach might lead the country to rely heavily on fortune cookies for future forecasting—after all, they seem to have better success rates than meteorologists. A recent press conference saw FEMA Director “Hurricane Hank” standing bravely in front of a giant screen displaying a beautiful beach scene, insisting that “planning for a hurricane is all about visualization.” Hank advised everyone to close their eyes and picture the perfect beach day. When asked about real data and whether they’d ever consider improving infrastructure instead of just facing the storm with positive vibes, Hank assured everyone that their spirits were just as crucial as actual buildings. “Good karma will keep you safe,” he emphasized, nodding while cradling an avocado. Meanwhile, Twitter erupted with memes of Congress members donning flip-flops, pretending to peruse Hawaiian shirts while shaking their heads gravely at the devastating storms happening around them. High-ranking officials were seen practicing their surfing skills, declaring that “we can only surf through the wave of disasters if we embrace the flow.” Some experts chimed in with their own suggestions to help the agency move forward, such as equipping FEMA teams with emotive support dogs and yoga mats for ultimate hurricane readiness. “A little mindfulness goes a long way,” one analyst chimed, while adjusting their chakra. Others recommended community workshops on interpretive dance as a way of preparing citizens to express their feelings during emergencies, thus ensuring no one was left behind in the emotional storm. In the face of this overwhelming optimism, locals remain skeptical. “Last time I checked, my roof didn’t just blow away due to my good vibes,” said a resident whose dining room was still draped in plastic sheeting post-hurricane cleanup. “But hey, if Congress says it’s all part of the plan, who am I to argue with such wise leaders?” As the world continues to spin and ocean waters rise, let’s all hold hands and collectively channel our best inner hurricane while Congress diligently waves its colorful flag in hope that it might distract us from the actual winds of change that clearly are not on the horizon. In the meantime, please remember to turn off your emotional alarm during hurricane season; it might just be your best chance at weathering the storm.