In the latest unsolicited game of "One-Up the Apocalypse," the chief of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) predicts a fantasy blockbuster worthy, catastrophic future for humanity. It appears our endearingly sluggish attempt at reaching net-zero carbon emissions may be fueling a climate catastrophe that makes the Day After Tomorrow seem like a charmingly mild sequel. It seems that humanity's procrastination and love for long, drawn-out sagas—apparently not just limited to the cinematic universe—has put us at odds with Mother Nature. The earth, it seems, does not share our sentiments for sluggishness; instead preferring a more dramatic action-suspense climax to our apparently lackluster script. IPCC Chief Dr. Aktivist Alarmingus, borrowing a page from George R.R. Martin's "expect the worse" guidebook, has predicted a Shakespearean-style tragic end where sea levels rise, rivers run dry, continents are engulfed by firestorms, polar bears come looking for Airbnbs in Manhattan, and gluten-free, organic flatbreads become the only edible food source. “What we're doing right now is marking time. We're like the sloths in the race for survival against the cheetahs of climate change," remarked Dr. Alarmingus dramatically, definitely not aiming for that Netflix documentary offer. "And spoiler alert: the sloths rarely win." Replies from governments worldwide have reflected a shared sense of urgency. US President Ronald Twiddlethumb tweeted, "Working on it ASAP. New season of The Voice is a major distraction #WorldEnding #Priorities". Meanwhile, Prime Minister Johanna Jogon of Australia stated, "We’re fully committed to the climate fight. Just as soon as we figure out what to do with all the kangaroos." Despite the dire warnings, many citizens remain surprisingly composed. Joe Average, a man on the street, shrugged, "I mean, is it really surprising? We’ve been leading up to this catastrophe for centuries, like a bloated Marvel franchise. We kind of deserve it now.” It's inspiring to see how humanity keeps a firm grasp on its sense of apathy and amusement, even when faced with climate catastrophe. It's not every day you witness an entire species on the verge of extinction, refusing to quit their habit of binge-watching Netflix while literally roasting on a spit. So, here's to our snail's pace journey towards net-zero emissions. May the end come swiftly and mercifully, preferably before the disappointing finale of our favorite long-running sitcom. Or perhaps, if we're fortunate enough, the sight of polar bears paddleboarding down Fifth Avenue will prompt us to finally pick up the pace.