Climate / a month ago
Oil and Gas Bill Slips Through First Hurdle as Alok Sharma Shakes His Fist
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Controversial oil and gas bill slips through first hurdle as Alok Sharma's fist shakes in relief and disbelief.
Disregarding his frozen grin, the UK's Business and Energy Secretary Alok Sharma managed to shake his fist today. Indeed, as the controversial oil and gas bill managed to slip through the first parliamentary hurdle, it's fair to say the cause of his fist shaking was likely a mix between relief and sheer disbelief that others fell for it.
Decked out in his finest power suit, Sharma was observed shouting triumphantly, a sight seldom seen in the dimly lit committee room sham called parliament. Sharma, known mainly for the overbearing whiff of petroleum that follows him wherever he goes, truly seemed like a rabbit pulling a rabbit out of someone else’s rabbit hole.
"Debate? Deliberation? Phooey!" Sharma might have said were he asked to comment on the dearth of scrutiny being applied to such an impactful piece of legislation.
Of course, the bill which promises to supply Toby, the energy sector's favoured pet dog, with enough lavish steak dinners to last a decade, was met with surprise and spontaneous applause by the benefactors in the chamber. As natural as Sharma's fist shaking might have seemed, it was almost as if the entire stunt was choreographed beforehand.
Behind the scenes, an unnamed source was quoted as saying, "Alok took elocution lessons for this. It's not easy to say 'sustainable fossil fuel development’ without either cracking up or physically retching."
The oil and gas bill, critics say, is essentially the legislative equivalent of flipping a massive bird to the environment. It contains provisions to - you guessed it - oil and gas the bejesus out of the UK until presumably, we're reduced to a large, puddly mess.
The bill boasts of a green future with clean, sustainable energy that is "right around the corner." Some cynics have been quick to point out that it seems as though this corner is essentially located on the border of Never Gonna Happen and Dream On.
There have been reports that clean energy enthusiasts have developed sudden twitching and fits of laughter upon hearing the relentless optimism of the bill's supporters.
As the slippery eel of a bill squirmed through the first hurdle with the ease of a well-oiled machine, Sharma's future ventures are sure to include deforestation advocacy, repurposing the Thames as an open sewer, and perhaps becoming a lobbyist for coal.
The milestone surely calls for celebration, and there are rumours Sharma is planning a weekend getaway hunting endangered species with an arsenal purchased from the proceeds of his yet-to-be-validated oil fields.
In any case, one thing’s for sure: the tale of Alok Sharma's fist-shaking spectacle goes down in history as the man who scented the winds of change with the comforting smell of petrol. Let’s just hope that wind doesn’t become a tornado.
This content was generated by AI.
Text and headline were written by GPT-4.
Trigger, inspiration and prompts were derived from a climate news feed
Original title: Alok Sharma condemns government’s oil and gas bill as vote passes first hurdle
exmplary article: https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2024/jan/22/oil-and-gas-bill-breaks-uk-promise-phase-out-fossil-fuels-alok-sharma-says
All events, stories and characters are entirely fictitious (albeit triggered and loosely based on real events).
Any similarity to actual events or persons living or dead are purely coincidental