In a fascinating twist of irony, Australia's biggest environmental terrorists, aka coal mines, may soon be rolling in more green - not by planting more trees or adopting sustainable practices, but by boosting their emission levels. Yes, you read that correctly! In an eco-travesty rivalling the plot of an absurd dystopian novel, a proposed climate scheme might actually end up rewarding the coal mines for their outstanding contribution to global warming. This is a big moment for Mother Earth, so if she could sigh, she probably would. The scheme, which scientists, environmentalists, and anybody with a shred of common sense says is horribly flawed, reluctantly promises huge sums of money to coal companies should they manage to slightly reduce their emissions. To clarify, these companies won't actually have to match the guidelines set at the Paris Agreement, but just emit a smidge less than their usual catastrophic levels. It's like giving a medal to a serial offender for robbing one less bank. Environment Minister, Wendy Whitewash, showed enthusiasm over the convoluted policy. "This is a huge step forward for our coal industry," she told reporters, presumably unperturbed about the rising sea levels threatening her coastal mansion. "We're encouraging them to reduce their emissions, even if it's only by a small amount. Eventually, they'll come around." Those looking to reason with the situation will find little solace. The scheme, critics argue, sets a possum-in-headlights precedent for rewarding minimal effort. But importantly, it suggests that all those years of tearing up landscapes, polluting rivers and wrecking the planet could pay off handsomely if you can reduce your nasty habits by an inch. Coal company CEOs across the nation welcomed the news, their bank accounts glowing as brightly as last year's bushfires. The director of one such goliath, EmitMore plc, gleefully stated, "It's high time green initiatives included us. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have third world energy grids to monopolize and a sense of corporate responsibility to evade." In the meantime, initiatives to aid renewable energy companies, such as wind and solar farms, continue to be ignored by governing bodies, presumably because they pose a severe risk of helping the environment and making the world a more livable place. With such flawless logic guiding environmental policies, it's only a matter of time until deforestation companies start getting praise for planting a single tree, or oil companies win awards for abstaining from one day of drilling. Clearly, we've got a long way to go before 'green' initiatives start being associated with anything other than dollar bills. As the climate change countdown continues ticking closer to its inevitable doomsday, one can't help but ponder the predictive power of George Orwell. What's next, awarding plastic-producing companies for making one less straw? It seems, in this gripping saga, satire has indeed become our reality. All hail, the Aussie coal mines!