In the most ground-breaking of revelations, climate change has been named as the culprit responsible for everyone's chilled wine cravings and sudden 420-friendly snack attacks during the seemingly never-ending joyride of global quarantine. A dapper gathering of white lab-coat angels hailing from Columbia University, after many sleepless nights spent poring over decades worth of data, have finally decoded the undeniable link between global warming and increased rates of hospital visits. Yes, that subtle increase in the average New York summer temperatures from 'hot' to 'third-ring-of-hell smolder', has been clearly linked to the home delivery orders of booze & recreational greenery shooting through the proverbial greenhouse roof. As per the intellectual musings of the Columbia team, the increase in alcohol-related hospital visits is directly linked to our uniform evolutionary response to warmer weather: drinking more, sweating, dehydrating, and suffering the inevitable ensuing hangovers. And when it comes to Mary Jane, Charlie, H or Mother's Little Helpers, it’s quite self-explanatory: clearly, hotter months spell out music festivals, campfire huddles, and sun-baked raves. In hitherto unseen levels of multivariate analyses, these dedicated scientists have concluded that heat = fun = substance use = more White Castle empty bags in your recycling bin. In a recent interview, the head researcher Dr. B. Leary said, "It's not rocket science, really. People tend to get a bit, erm, 'loose' in warmer weather. You now have scientific backing to explain your quarantine wine obsession. Can we please turn down the damn heater now?" While the world appreciates the hard work of these scientific heroes - solving one of the most prominent first-world problems - there still remains a crucial question. How will the scientific community handle the inevitable 'global warming vs sourdough baking' debate? Because, frankly, if there were an Oscar for the real 'lockdown hero,' our money would be on the yeast.