Senior members of the Conservative Party are painfully coming to grips with the harsh reality that they might need to - brace yourselves - appeal to younger voters. An unexpected deduction made after a gruelling strategy meeting, in which wealthy, middle-aged men in suits discussed the political landscape over a table arranged with croissants, caviar and champagne. “There’s a clear route to Downing Street,” said a senior official who requested to remain anonymous because discussing democracy publicly is frowned upon in Tory circles. "It involves trying to convince younger generations that we are not, in fact, flat-capped barracuda who feast on their hopes and dreams." A report circling the room was anything but good news. It informed the attendees that millennial and Gen-Z voters, contrary to popular belief, actually have opinions and use their power to vote too. A realization that led to a hum of discontent, broken only by the chinking of champagne flutes and the guffaw of one backbencher, who’d clearly still not got the memo on climate change. Another senior official whose name you wouldn’t recognise, said: “It appears these younger people don’t respond well to our traditional menu of austerity, tuition-fees and a splash of Brexit. We might actually have to start offering them something palatable like progressive climate action or affordable housing, and honestly, the very thought gives me acid reflux." Party strategists now allegedly face the mammoth task of making the Conservatives appealing to the youth, a crowd notorious for their love of avocado toast, tolerance and reality checks. “It’s like trying to sell a life insurance policy to an immortal,” groaned one battle-weary spin doctor. Despite the rapidly sinking morale, there were some sparks of optimism witnessed. One silver-haired MP, known for still figuring out how to use his Blackberry, suggested inviting Stormzy for tea or simply splashing some street art on the party logo - to the raucous and awkward laughter from his peers. A claimed ‘secret weapon’ mentioned was fellow Tory MP Rishi Sunak, who, with his boyish charm and immaculately parted hair, could be wheeled out to dazzle the youthful masses. Suggestions of further steps to be taken ranged from renaming the Tory Party as 'Conservatives but Woke', to adding TikTok dance routines to their campaigns. It remains to be seen whether the Grand Old Party, now rallied to adapt its blue rinse and twinsets for a more youth-centric image, can salvage their appeal. "Nothing is off the table" quipped one Toryite – except of course, genuine policy changes that could significantly improve the lives of young people, he forgot to add. And as the room cleared, leaving only the crumbs of croissants and empty champagne glasses behind, one couldn’t help but wonder if the senior Tories had discovered the relevant lingo yet: will their future hold a glow-up or will they remain as a major political party rendered into a sunk ship for lack of youth appeal? Stay tuned to find out!