Headline: Unexpected Idol to Democrats Dunks on GOP’s Attempt to Impeach Biden Sparing no hope for the Republican Party, celebrated legal warrior, but secretly undercover Democratic cheerleader, Jonathan Turley swaggered into the impeachment battle, delivering a stunning impeachment-crushing blow. Today, with a single phrase, the often conservative Turley dynamited GOP's dreams of impeaching President Joe Biden, leaving a smoky trail of shattered dreams in his wake. Turley, a Fox News analyst expected to have a flame-throwing testimony against the President, shocked attendees as he threw cold ice on the Republicans' ambitions instead. "I do not believe that the current evidence would support articles of impeachment," he stated, with the audacity to disguise dry factual analysis as a shock twist. The news sent seismic ripples through the room, inducing Republican leaders into involuntary twitching fits and incapacitating smiles from Democrats. The wave of shock was so intense that it was rumored to have caused a sympathetic tremble in the Lincoln Memorial statue across town. Turley, who in the past argued against Donald Trump's impeachment, apparently decided to turn the tables, leaving the Republican Party looking like a pride of lions that stumbled upon a nest of honey badgers. Political pundits around the nation watched in stunned silence as the legal expert employed the age-old defense strategy of "diplomatically disagreeing with almost everyone in the room." As the dust slowly settled, Republicans stood wide-eyed and slack-jawed, disbelieving their key witness could perform such a party-betraying sorcery. Democrats, on the other hand, seemed nonplussed, adopting an attitude best summed up as: "Oh, you didn't see that one coming?" Confusion reigns supreme as analysts now scramble to decode Turley's brazen refusal to support the Republican cause, prompting wild speculation about his potential allegiances. Some Republicans even started questioning if he'd been covertly working as a Democratic sleeper agent all along or if the Democrats have leveled up their mind-control techniques. As it stands, the impeachment initiative looks about as promising as an ice cube's survival odds in the Sahara. Now, Republicans of all ranks are seen desperately rifling through their political playbook, looking for the section labeled, "What to do when your star witness decides to go improv.”