In the ironically searing chronicle of our enduring global heatwave, the summer of 2021 stewed us like a legion of lobsters at a fatefully doomed neighborhood seafood boil. Herewith, the reporting on the most sweltering, blistering, and fry-an-egg-on-your-forehead sultry summer ever documented – coined 'Sunburn Apocalypse.' Strap on your deeply ironic snow boots, let’s slide into the timeline. As days turned to weeks, the weather wizards, also known as meteorologists, deliriously christened May ‘Mayhem’ – a shy precursor to the upcoming atmospheric bedlam. On May 15, the state of Texas began utilizing water pistols to irrigate their lawns, while Californians drew up blueprints for a State-wide air-conditioned dome, igniting a nationwide debate on who had the superior desperate survival strategy. By the solar lashings of June, ambulance services across the country recorded a 200% spike in popsicle and ice cream delivery calls compared to the previous records. According to Ice Cream Emergency Services (ICES), the formerly whimsical child-centric service morphed into a life-sustaining operation, for old and young alike, combating melting extremities, heat-addled brains, and curdling spirits. On July 1, North Dakota, historically known for its tranquillity and vast spaces, saw its bison population optimistically attempting to migrate into residents' meat freezers. July's toasting climax witnessed numerous Christmas in July revellers swapping their Santa suits for Hawaiian shirts and exchanging hot cocoa for frosty margaritas. The Hallmark Channel scrambled to release Christmas-on-the-beach movies, starring sunburnt Santas saving over-heated reindeer. Come August, reports came in thick and hot, figuratively and literally. A particularly sweaty correspondent audibly sizzled as she recounted a battalion of grandmas knitting woolly refrigerators in the Sun Belt states, stoking social media debates on potential cool threads. In Pennsylvania, the barter market for personal handheld fans escalated brutally when an Amish community exchanged a total of five horses for a crate of battery-operated personal handheld fans. Meanwhile, the unanticipated fashion trend of 'sun umbrellas' swept the fashion runways. No A-list celebrity was snapped without an oversized UV-proof parasol, instantly inspiring knock-offs in every sweaty corner of the country. Just as scientists were developing a heatwave survival guide including steps to deep freeze everything from pets to pajamas, the fickle month of September broke the scorching pattern, thanks to a new ice age movie that proved enough to chill our heated brains. As the Sunburn Apocalypse receded, it left behind a trail of frazzled populace. The bright side, if one could squint through their sunburnt retinas, was the boon in global unity, thanks to the constant exchange of eccentric heat survival stories and methods. No doubt, as our sun-kissed (or rather, sun-slapped) bodies heal, we're left with one burning question: what’s next, Sunburn Armageddon? For now, in the spirit of survival, perhaps it's time to unwind, replenish our sunscreen reserves, and around the winter corner, we just might unleash a Russian-matryoshka-style layers of clothing fashion trend. After all, the Earth's temperate tantrums are as predictably unpredictable as the plot of Indiana Jones fighting climate change – utterly inconceivable but expected in these roasting times,” concluded the relentless Sunburn Apocalypse. Remember, folks, in the face of our unpredictable climates, may your humor remain impervious, your sunscreen be SPF 500+, and your personal handheld fans be forever battery-operated.