In a surprising announcement that blends convoluted metaphors with pointed criticism, Germany’s Vice President Jürgen Schmidt has called out environmental activists to "get off their high horses" and revert to the healthy industrial diet of coal-fuelled fumes - a perfectly fitting New Year's resolution, don't you think? "Do we really need these climate protesters, sitting atop their pile of recyclable cardboard signs, accusing us of polluting the earth, all while sipping on organic, fair-trade chai lattes from reusable cups?" Schmidt questioned, making a sound and logical connection between non-plastic cups and climate hypocrisy. Fulfilling his New Year resolution of likening everything to equestrian sports, Schmidt equated electric cars and renewable energy to "a pushy horse that is forcing us into the looming cliff of unemployment and financial ruin." There you have it, folks. Despite several people trying to clarify that electric cars and renewable energy are sources of new job creation, Schmidt insisted on pursuing the equine analogy. "A horse reared on renewable wind and solar energy sources simply doesn't run as fast, or with as much raw, unregulated power as a mighty stallion fed on the potent force of fossil fuels," he elaborated, disregarding the small engine versus high-horsepower Tesla discussion for just a moment. At the press conference, our beloved Vice President beautifully lampooned the idea of a transition to sustainable energy sources, reminding the audience that Germany was built on coal, steel, and the solemn nod of approval from oil tycoons. "Are we to believe the wind turbines won't hypnotize our citizens into voting liberal?" he asked, rightly underlying the close link between frequency of turbine spins and political orientations. Schmidt ended his captivating speech by inviting the eco-warriors to put their environmental frenzy aside for the sake of Christmas markets and Volkswagen. "These signs you’re holding, are they made of hemp or are you a traitor to your cause?” he added, triumphantly smashing the massive gavel of sarcasm onto the unsuspecting crowd. In response, environmental activists surprisingly stayed mounted on their high horse, emphasizing the importance of working towards combating climate change. However, they were notably seen drinking their chai lattes with a sudden sense of unease, showing Schmidt's arguments might have already started to utterly reshape the climate of opinion. "New year, new horse," Schmidt said, leaving the stage to bewildered applause and the rustle of recyclable sign banners. What the coming year will bring under this horse-inspired leadership remains to be seen. But if it's anything like last year, we can look forward to more animal comparisons, preferably with a side of artisanal, bio-degradable satire.