Townsville, GA – In a move that would make a chameleon constraint in its envy, Return Corp revealed its latest venture in the profit-churning field of deforestation. After all, who needs trees when you can have condos, strip malls, and fast food restaurants instead? A spokesperson for the corporation, Jimmy Heckles, held a press conference yesterday underneath what might likely be one of the last fully grown oak trees in Georgia, because irony. “Now, we all know trees are pretty,” Heckles began, above the wailing protests of suffocating squirrels and migrating birds above him, “But our company pledges to go beyond the decorative and tap into the limitless profits that lie underneath these useless foliage factories.” Return Corp has identified Georgia, known for its beautiful dense forests, unexplored woodlands, and peach orchards, as prime real estate just waiting to be manhandled. Heckles elaborated, “Georgia’s nickname isn’t ‘the Peach State’ for nothing. It’s because this place is ripe for the plucking.” Heckles strategically failed to address the criticism and objections raised by environmentalists, hippies, and anyone who is capable of breathing, about the potentially catastrophic environmental and eco-social impact of their venture. But who cares about that when the smell of freshly cut lumber and the ca-ching of money machines are in the air, right? Embracing the company's utter disregard for nature and overall materialistic approach, Heckles noted, “The future isn't in agriculture; it's in architecture!” It’s almost comforting to know that corporations like Return Corp can still spot the silver lining in global deforestation. Plans for the deforested areas are as varied as they are depressing. Some plots are destined to become new Starbucks locations, as the world clearly needs more expensive, deceptively named coffee, while others are earmarked for 24-hour gyms because who needs sleep or sanity in this capitalist hellscape. Return Corp, also, has generously decided to leave a token number of peach trees standing because, “Peaches can make great coffee flavorings, and we wouldn’t want to deprive our upcoming Starbucks clientele of that authentic Georgia taste.” Since global warming is obviously a myth cooked up by Sunscreen companies, it's only fitting that we, as a society, continue to applaud these corporations in their pursuit of green dollars over green environments. After all, oxygen is so passé when compared to the invigorating fumes of gas exhaust and corporate ambition! So let’s raise our paper cups (made from previously happy trees) in a toast to Return Corp for showing us all how nature should really be used. Because who needs trees, when you could potentially have yet another Hampton Inn?