A recent survey has unveiled the crushing truth - an astonishing majority of UK citizens couldn't tell a polar ice cap from a bottle cap when it comes to climate lingo. Yes, my dear readers, we may have reached the twilight zone of global absurdity. This new piece of ethos-bruising research, conducted by Benevolent Boffins for Universal Enlightenment Squadron (or BBUES for short- like pesticides for ignorance) reveals that over 70% of Britons cannot define the term "carbon footprint". We assume the other 30% were likely too embarrassed to admit that they also thought it referred to smudgy marks left on the carpet by someone with coal on their shoes. We live in a time wherein we all manage to decipher the complexities of the latest TikTok dance trend, yet remain bamboozled by basic environmental jargon such as "carbon neutral", "greenhouse gases" and "renewable energy." Our future generations are relying on us to save the planet, guys, not just to perfect the latest social media viral challenge! Even more startling was the revelation that a significant percentage of those surveyed believed “net-zero” was a trendy new diet.Their lack of environmental vocabulary hasn’t stopped them from jumping on the sustainability bandwagon, though. The same survey revealed that many said they felt concerned about climate change despite not knowing their methane from their methadone. BBUES's Chief Enlightenment Officer, Professor April O'Ture was palpably distressed at these findings. She said, "It's an unfathomable conundrum really. I mean, we’ve got people who’ll invest hours investigating whether their washing-up liquid is cruelty-free and organic, and yet when asked, they can’t explain why they really should switch off that light when they leave a room." The survey has sparked a fresh wave of fear about the future of our planet, I mean if the nation that gave us Shakespeare, Jane Austen, and Sir David Attenborough can’t comprehend the climate crisis, what hope do we have? So, as the temperatures rise and polar bears continue looking for real estate options on higher grounds, let's take a moment to educate ourselves about the looming climate catastrophe. After all, knowing the difference between a carbon footprint and a foot-long sandwich might just be, albeit ironically, our only hope for survival. In the meantime, it might be prudent for BBUES to consider rebranding as “Educators Fighting Against Carbon-based Knowledge Neglect” or EFACKN for short. Because let's face it - we're efackn clueless!